How Not to Miss Each Other in Marriage

Pastoral | August 13, 2026 | By: James Delarato

Once upon a time, there was a wife and husband looking to buy patio furniture. The wife, a proactive buyer with a wonderful eye for design, browsed the internet and found a great, like-new patio set at a low price, just 20 miles away. She purchased it before anyone else could and contacted the seller to arrange pickup that same day. 

Elsewhere, her husband, a diligent worker with a flexible schedule, was meeting with someone and preparing for a very full day during a busy work season. As he wrapped up his meeting, he received a message from his wife that she had already gone to get the patio furniture, unbeknownst to him, and that the giant, heavy box was sitting in the back of her SUV. She needed help to get it out ASAP because it was taking up needed space. The husband, always aiming to be a servant but under a good amount of stress, ended his meeting and grumpily got in his car to head home, wondering why this was happening so suddenly without much conversation. He also knew that if it was up to him, they would have put off buying patio furniture for weeks. 

The husband arrived home, and in a flurry of annoyed energy, opened the back of the SUV and started pulling the box out, dangerously so. His wife was there to assist, knowing that she intentionally didn't tell her husband that she was getting the furniture right away because he would get annoyed about being interrupted with his day.

The box was finally removed, the furniture set in place, and a frustrated yet amicable and unifying conversation resulted about ways their communication could have been better on both sides. Honest apologies, repentance, and forgiveness followed. And now the furniture is comfortably being enjoyed in their backyard, along with the after-the-fact laughs about a communication meltdown. 

As you might have guessed, this is not a fairy-tale story, but a real moment my wife and I had in the last year. It's funny now, but it was not funny in the moment. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed, as this was not the first time in our nearly two decades of marriage that we’ve had conflict. 

We have learned something that has greatly helped us navigate conflict in productive, grace-filled ways. It is articulated well by the Communication chapter in the re|engage workbook Scottsdale Bible uses for our Strengthen Your Marriage ministry:

"You entered marriage speaking different languages. She speaks female, you speak male; her family fought openly, his family never expressed feelings; in her culture looking someone directly in the eyes was a challenge, in his culture it was respectful. Though you speak the same dialect, your natural responses—the words you choose and your body language—create interpretive challenges." (re|engage: Communication, p. 33)

You entered marriage speaking different languages.

We were certainly told this during our premarital counseling, but God often teaches us more through experience than through just knowing a concept. It was, and often still is, natural for us to default back to our own approach to saying and doing things and to reject other perspectives. This is true for every person.

"All of us have destructive communication patterns. It is human nature to deny faults, deflect blame, defend actions, and try to win a fight." (re|engage: Communication, p. 33)

This statement begs the question: why is it "human nature" to communicate destructively? The Bible is very helpful here, and it takes us right back to the beginning of humanity's creation. 

Why is it "human nature" to communicate destructively?

Genesis 2 introduces us to a garden of perfect harmony between God, man, woman, and all the rest of His good creation, a time when communication was clear, cooperative, and even casual (Gen. 3:8).

But Genesis 3:1 opens with an ominous tone, "Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made." What kind of craftiness is the serpent aiming to perform? A disruption of communication between God and His image-bearers in the form of denial, deflection, defensiveness, and in-fighting. 

After casting doubt that God is trustworthy in keeping the tree of the knowledge of good and evil away from them, the man and the woman eat from it, realize they are naked, and hide from God. The next conversation is an opportunity to confess to God, but instead, it results in blame-shifting, 

"The man said, 'The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.' Then the Lord God said to the woman, 'What is this that you have done?' The woman said, 'The serpent deceived me, and I ate'" (Gen. 3:12–13). 

Each statement is true. God gave the man the woman, the woman gave the fruit to the man, and the woman ate because of the deception of the serpent. But their confession carries blame-shifting, moving the focus away from personal responsibility and instead implicating others in their sin. The man has the audacity to blame God for the woman, and then he blames the woman for giving him the fruit. The woman blames the serpent for giving her the fruit, again deflecting the responsibility away from herself and onto someone else. And round and round it goes, culminating in valiant attempts to win fights about buying and moving new patio furniture. 

There is, however, incredible hope in learning how to better communicate in marriage. Some great ways to build relational trust include:

• Learning how to mutually understand each other by validating your spouse's views even if you don't agree with them

• Repeating the conversation back to your spouse to let them know you heard them

• Moving toward your spouse in empathy

• Owning what you are responsible for rather than blaming and avoiding

But good communication with your spouse requires more than a few methods—it is ultimately an act of honoring their intrinsic value as a person.

Good communication is ultimately an act of honoring your spouse’s intrinsic value as a person.

"Good communication practices aren't simply a set of techniques to enrich your marriage; they are an effort to honor God. Listening and understanding one another, and responding peaceably by articulating each other's thoughts and feelings demonstrates dignity and value. It honors God and your spouse as His creation (Romans 12:14-18).” (re|engage: Communication, p. 36)

We all have a language of love that we are learning to explain and interpret. When we pause in wonder and gratitude of the life-giving language of love that God Himself expressed to us in the death and resurrection of Jesus, His life for ours—then we will know how clear, cooperative, and casual communication was always meant to be. Let’s walk together as a church as we strengthen our marriages in the gospel!

---

James Delarato

Cactus Men’s & Marriage Pastor

Want help building this kind of communication into your own relationship? Whether you want to Prepare for Marriage or Strengthen the Marriage you already have, Scottsdale Bible Marriage offers clear pathways and practical support.  

Like this Article? Share on Social:

---

FEATURED ARTICLES

---

CATCH UP

Did You Miss Sunday's Message?

Catch up on the latest at: scottsdalebible.com/current-series

---

RECENT ARTICLES

SIMILAR ARTICLES